Battered Wives Shelter

Ever watch a TV show or a movie where there’s an asshole of a husband that beats the hell out of his wife, and then right as you think the wife has finally managed the courage to leave, you end up wanting to throw the remote through the TV as she stays? Her argument is always the same. It’s either, “I know he means well, and I know he still loves me and he can’t show it properly,” or “I have to stay for the children.” Well I am officially a hypocrite if I ever get frustrated with the wife’s decision ever again. After this weekend, my head hurts, my stomach doesn’t function right, and I have random wounds all over my body. No my roommate is not beating with me soap in a sock full metal jacket style at night (at least I hope not), I’m simply the battered wife of my favorite sports teams. It’s uncanny how I am truly an Alzheimer’s victim when it comes to the pain that these teams I spend all my time following bring me at the end of every season. And this weekend was a prime example. So beginning with Thursday, let’s review my weekend of broken dreams…

Minnesota Gopher Basketball

I’d be surprised if anyone that is reading this doesn’t know my self-admitted man crush on Tubby Smith. I am in debt to him for bringing any kind of respectability back to my beloved gophers. But we might as well not have shown up in the second half. I felt Caesar taking 22 daggers to the back every time Abrams grabbed the ball and inevitably swished a three. I had myself so disillusioned as to us winning this game, but it retrospect, I think I saw it coming. Besides, we were the underdog. Next year, Rodney and Royce will bring redemption into my life. My weekend happiness is still intact. It’s not like all of gopher sports can let me down…

Minnesota Gopher Hockey

USC made a bowl game. Duke made the NCAA basketball tournament. Minnesota made the NCAA Hockey Tournament. Three things I simply expect in life. But which one made me sit in my chair in anger as I watched the selection show? It’s words that are too hard for me to even type. Seriously, what the hell? We have first pick at every Minnesota born player, and we can’t even field a team that can make the same tournament that Bemidji State makes. Thank god I didn’t have my season tickets this year. I never thought I’d say those words. However, since it was the first year I didn’t have tickets since around the year 2000, I’ll call it a draw gophers. Obviously the lack of my presence is the direct cause for your lack of motivation. I’ll continue to believe that we’re the USC of hockey if we pick it back up next year. Besides, the weather is turning. Baseball season is about to start, and thank god America is still the best baseball country in the world…

USA Baseball

You know how you hit a splitter in the dirt? You don’t. You take the pitch and wait for the next one. So someone please explain to me how every one of the multi-million dollar players kept flailing at a pitch that would have got me benched for swinging at as a high schooler? I also want to point out an interesting parallel between Tiger Woods and Derek Jeter. Both are obviously great players, and I despise when either one ever performs well during the season. Jeter always comes up in the clutch when the Yankees need that hit to break the game open, and Tiger always sinks that impossible putt to win the tournament, and every time I sit at home praying they’ll screw up. So why is it any time I get myself to cheer for them, they let me down? They can’t actually know I’m cheering for them and purposely screw up, can they? Tiger is as mediocre of a player as it gets when it comes to Ryder cup time and Jeter had just a fantastic tournament I must say. Last night, he went 1 for 5 with four pulled ground balls to the short stop. Would not be a big deal if you weren’t notorious for pushing the ball to the right side. And the error that cost us three runs in the eighth? That was good for at least 6 yelled swear words from my dorm room. Oh well, I guess. Let the Asian teams win preseason. Maybe the team will have a USA basketball like mentality in 2012 and we’ll dominate. My weekend can’t be brought down by these three teams to much. It’s not like I could have affected them in any way to play better and win. At least I didn’t let myself down…

My Bracket

What the hell was I thinking with this year’s bracket? Granted I was in Michigan when I made the thing, but does the air in that state make me go temporarily retarded. Thank you Wake Forrest for losing to Cleveland St. and not going to the elite eight with an upset over Louisville. Florida St. is so hot going into the tournament, how can they possibly lose to Wisconsin first round. In fact, they should make the sweet sixteen, right? Next year, I’m giving my bracket to a random nine year old to fill out, as I think that was the last age I was when I won one of these pools.

But am I giving up on any of these teams? Of course not. Because deep down, I know they still love me on the inside. They just don’t know how to love me back in the right way. And until their seasons start up again, I’ll let my Minnesota Twins treat me just right. Yep, the 2009 season is when it’s all going to finally be worth it. Or maybe 2010…

Side note: Good luck Jaguar basketball at state, Kick Sibley's ass and avenge that 2007 season!