Hi! Mike Mendel here speaking for the public

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...(breath)...no, no, no, no. I'm not accepting this one. I've lowered myself before, but this is way to far. Someone has to stop this. I'll start the protest with this public service announcement. Billy Mays has his own show. I repeat, Billy Mays has his own show.

Now for those of you that do not know Mr. Billy Mays, you obviously have a life and I congratulate you for such an accomplishment. However, if you're like most of America, Billy Mays has become a regular figure in your daily lives. He is God of the infomercial world. No man has ever had such mind controlling powers over the United States at three in the morning quite like Billy. Since his first infomercial in 1999, he has advertised over 60 products. These fine purchasable products for just three payments of $9.99 include: Hercules Hook Wall Hangers, Buddy Putty, Samurai Shark Knife Sharpeners, Kaboom Cleaning Powder, and who could forget the Ding King Automotive Dent Remover (And rumor says if you call in the next 10 minutes, Billy Mays will give you nineteen more of the exact thing you purchased for no added price. That's right folks, a $689 value for just thirty dollars! Thanks Billy!).

Now despite taking control of my thoughts into making me think purchasing one of these amazing products isn't such a bad idea, I do not hate Billy Mays. In fact, I'm a big proponent in making Billy Mays a cult hero. I mean come on. The man could sell you a one dollar bill for a five dollar bill and get you to walk away happy. I also love how shameless he is in his self advertising. According to my buddy Alex, while attending the Outback Bowl this last football season, Billy Mays was giving away free products and asking who wants an autograph to anyone nearby. And according to young Alex, there is a treasure like figure in the world that is equal to the holy grail. Apparently it comes in the form of a Billy Mays action figure that is autographed by Billy Mays!!! (I've also come to learn that some girl that is a fan of the Hawkeyes is the keeper of this grail. I aim to find her, marry her, and get the action figure in the divorce settlement. I can dream...) And the most important reason to love Billy Mays is that he is far superior to the ShamWow guy. At least in Billy's infomercials there's no controversial moments involving the amount of soda beneath the square piece of carpet in back to back shots (That's right ShamWow guy, I saw that. Now take your ear piece microphone and go away forever, because you know I can't listen to your lies all day).

So with so many reasons why I love Billy Mays, some of you may be confused as to why I am appalled that Discovery channel has announced they will be premiering a thirteen part series about infomercials, with Billy Mays as the center figure of the show. My retort to your confusion is how are you not enraged like me? (Unless of course you don't worry yourself with such matters because your above such petty things. In which case I ask, is it lonely on top of that hill?) I mean, the reason Billy Mays is loved by so many is because we only know him through his infomercials. I can't think of any reason why I would want to know what Billy Mays is like behind the scenes dealing with the producers before he sells another amazing product. I want to envision him talking to his daughter before her first date saying, "HEY JULIA (her name is Julia in my made up thoughts apparently), I SEE YOU GOT A STAIN ON YOUR DRESS. USE OXYCLEAN!!!!!"

I don't want to be shown that he is just like the rest of us, because this world has enough dull and ordinary already. And although I know I will not be able to stop this show from happening, even though replacing it with a second shark week sounds like a way better option, I simply ask to make this show happen as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Please don't go VH1 on me and show the week's episode 13 times a day Monday through Sunday, and we as a society can go on like this never happened. I have to get going though, I just heard Billy Mays say "If I act now" on the television. I'm missing a great deal.