We Need To Break Up

Things are just different these days. The magic we used to have is just gone. I still remember the days when the mere sight of you made my heart jump a little bit, but now it breaks my heart to say it's not there anymore. So that's why I have to say Michael Cuddyer, I'm breaking off my man crush.

Before I begin to explain why this first paragraph was so hard to write, I feel I need to finally unleash to the world the true definition of a man crush. I have been ridiculed in the past for such an expression, so therefore I need to set the ground rules on a healthy man crush.

1. This is NOT a "Bromance"
I still hate that term, but indeed this is far from a bromance. In fact a key rule to a man crush is that the figure you man crush on cannot have any clue who you are. For instance, I am one of the last 23 Bo Hart fans on this planet I believe. I can tell you almost everyone of his batting stats from his tremendous 88 game career. In know way is overly famous and does not have time for me, but he is to never know me. My man crush on Bo Hart is automatically void if I have a real relationship with the guy.

2. No Sexual Tension
Although the term is "crush" and you love these players with all your heart, you purely love them for how amazing they are at what they do, such as their sport, and not at all in some very creepy way. Man crushes are manly. This rule allows me to watch Adrian Peterson highlight videos over and over and even comment by how hes a freak of a physical specimen with no repercussions.

3. Unconditional Love
As long as you're willing to admit you have a man crush on a certain person, that person can do know wrong. They can let you down over and over again, but you always will come back, because deep down you know how amazing they are. You have to defend this player in essentially every argument and be ready to throw a punch over someone who crosses that line and says something to offensive. Fight for your player, the crush demands it.

4. No Fair Weather
This rule is tricky. Although so many of us know a person that goes on again off again with a girlfriend or boyfriend, man crushes do not permit such behavior. Once you are willing to admit a man crush exists, you must follow that player through thick and thin. However, you can break off a man crush, but such a move is final. That player is no longer yours, but simply just another player. You can still be "friends" and cheer for them, but you can no longer refer to him as "your boy!" Girls everywhere likely have no idea how big of a blow that can be to a fan, but guys are shaking their head in agreement right now.

There you have it, the four essential rules behind any good man crush. Now I have broken up man crushes before. It was a clean one when Kevin Garnett left for Boston and made sure I would never cheer for him again. And Wilson Betemit was a breeze when I noticed how awful he actually was. But Michael Cuddyer is going to be hard. I have history with this man. In I believe 2002, I went so far to make a five dollar bet that he would one day win MVP of the league with my buddy Max. I still stand behind said bet. But the simple truth is, I have somewhat moved on in the last year. I want my 2006 Cuddyer back. Not this new one. I'm man crushing on a guy from my past, and that's not fair to him. Now is this to say that come world series when he hits the game winning home run that I will not feel just as amazing? Of course not, this simply means that he is now just a beloved Twin and no longer my favorite one to watch. So I'm sorry Micahel Cuddyer, it's not you, it's me. We can still be friends, and I hope nothing but the best for you the rest of this year. But now its time to move on.